A Deep Winter

Well, I haven’t exactly been working wonders for the past few weeks, unless you count keeping myself, my two children, and my unborn child alive as a wonder. You very fairly might count that, but perhaps, as far as self-improvement goes, I have hit deep winter.

I think that is fine; there are times and seasons in our lives for everything. Sometimes that season is deep winter, and all seems dead. I am forced to admit that my current circumstances allow for a bit of… seeming deadness.

As I am not getting enough calories, I have had to scale back drastically on all accounts. For much of the past months, I’ve at least been able to read and grow my mind despite being sick in bed. In this time I was blessed to find Charlotte Mason and Ambleside Online, and practically devoured everything I read.

Lately, though, I am reminded that even mental effort requires some calorie intake, so as I’ve gotten more pregnant, more nauseous, and less able to eat as the spring heat rolls in, I… really don’t know what I do all day. Time is passing, though, even if my mind seems to be in a timeless fog.

(And I am doing poorly enough that I have even gotten past the boredom stage… My mind is not well-nourished enough to complain about the lack of mental food! Yikes.)

I don’t have the mental fortitude to read much beyond my daily scripture study and time with God; even this is a struggle. My journal has not been updated for weeks. I have had to stop reviewing Serbian flashcards; this activity suddenly became hugely ineffective. I haven’t drawn in weeks. My restorative exercises have proven too much effort, and even doing fascia work with massage therapy balls at times requires too much movement. Many things have fallen by the wayside.

This will likely be the state of things for as long as I am pregnant. (I am 39 weeks pregnant tomorrow, so I think sometime in the next three weeks, I will be delivered from this trial. Hooray!)

However, despite all this, I feel that I should write something worthwhile here (other than an acceptance of this hard time).

We are doing a discussion of Charlotte Mason’s 20 principles on the AO forum, and in fact, I am helping to co-lead it. I have so far kept up by reading on my more lucid days, and I think perhaps I may share some of what I learn here.

(In addition, the forum is sparsely populated by other LDS individuals, and while there are some others, I hesitate at times to bring up LDS doctrine that comes to mind when I read. The forum doesn’t seem quite the right setting for it.

I hope any non-LDS readers here will not mind too much that I will do some of that here; the doctrine is so close to my heart that I need to gush out praises at times. Not surprising, I suppose, as I have already done so in previous posts.)

I hope to find the wherewithal to write my thoughts on Charlotte Mason’s motto soon.

Wish me luck and lucidity! (Or childbirth could work instead. I can dream, can’t I?)


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